Lately I’ve been really struggling with this whole gentle parenting approach. I really want to raise my son feeling safe and understood not afraid like I was growing up. But I didn’t grow up with any of that. My parents yelled a lot and punished constantly so that’s my default when things get intense. Like today he threw a toy at me and I snapped. I yelled and then I felt so guilty after like I just repeated the same stuff I’m trying to break.
I know gentle parenting isn’t about being permissive but when I’m in the moment and he’s screaming or throwing things I freeze or go straight into fight mode. I want to do this better I just don’t always know how in the heat of the moment. Anyone else navigating this? I could really use help making this more real and consistent.
Oof this hit home so hard. My parents were also super reactive and I still flinch when people raise their voice. I told myself I’d be different and some days I am! But then something sets me off and I go right back to yelling and afterward I just feel so small.
We’re trying to teach them regulation while learning it ourselves. That’s a wild ask. I’ve started just narrating my own feelings out loud even if I mess up, like “I yelled and that wasn’t okay I’m sorry I’m learning too Doesn’t fix it but it helps us both feel human
This is so real. Like some days I feel like I’m doing okay then boom tantrum and I go cold or way too loud. I hate it too because I know better now but my body doesn’t always let me slow down in time.
And the guilt after? Brutal. I think it shows how much we care though. You’re trying and that already makes a huge difference. Just wish trying didn’t feel so heavy all the time
I’ve been in your shoes and it’s so freaking hard What helped me start shifting things was using a pause word for myself. Like if I felt that heat rising I’d say “reset” out loud It was just enough to snap me out of the autopilot response and remind me I had other tools
Also I started prepping myself in the calm times Reading a lot about toddler brain development made me realize it wasn’t personal, he’s not trying to push me he’s just overwhelmed. So I practice scripts like “you’re safe I’m here or I see you’re upset I’m going to help Still mess up but now I recover way faster
Something that helped me a lot was breaking the moment down into zones, green, yellow, red Green is when everyone’s chill and that’s when you make your plan. I’d write down two or three phrases to say when things escalate You’re having big feelings, I’m right here It’s okay to be mad, it’s not okay to throw
Then yellow is when you feel your own heart rate spike That’s your signal to pause. I literally kept a sticky note on the fridge saying pause not punksh. In red zone when it all goes wild, my only job is to stay safe and protect both of us. Yelling doesn’t work so I focus on grounding myself with breath or even stepping outside for a sec
The more I practice in green zone, the less I react in red It’s not perfect but it’s progress
Thank you for sharing this because I swear I’ve had almost this exact experience so many times and felt totally alone. I’ve been trying gentle parenting too and sometimes I feel like I’m just pretending I have control while totally spiraling inside
Like how are you even supposed to stay calm when a little human is screaming in your face or hurling blocks across the room?? Do I sit there and breathe through it while he breaks stuff?? I just end up raising my voice out of panic
How do you stay regulated when they’re clearly dysregulated?? That’s the piece I keep missing
This might sound kinda weird but I started recording myself. Like not every tantrum but a few moments where I noticed I was about to lose it and forced myself to respond calmly and later I’d listen to it I realized I actually can respond gently but I just forget in the moment. Hearing myself stay grounded reminded me I’m capable
Also we made a calm corner for both of us not just my toddler. It’s got a bean bag and a little breathing jar and sometimes I’ll say I’m going to the calm corner so I don’t yell The first time I did that he followed me in and we sat there together. Now he asks for it
It’s not always magical but it taught both of us that pausing is allowed You don’t have to react right away That’s been huge for us
Wow you wrote exactly what I’ve been feeling but couldn’t put into words. The yelling being the default, yes. That’s my muscle memory. And then the guilt comes in like a tidal wave. I keep thinking if I was just more patient or loving I wouldn’t snap but I think it’s deeper than that.
We’re literally parenting with tools we’re still building ourselves. We’re trying to model emotional regulation when we never got that modeled for us. It’s hard as hell. But what helps me is remembering that every time I repair, every time I say “I’m sorry I yelled,” I’m showing my kid something powerful.
It’s not about never messing up, it’s about showing what to do after I hope that’s what sticks