They say you don’t yell, you don’t hit, that everything is done with love and validation, and I really try, but there are days when my son defies me so much that I feel like everything is out of control… He stares at me and does the opposite of what I ask, and even though I try to stay calm, there’s a voice in my head that tells me that a spanking won’t traumatize him, it’ll just scare him… but then I feel guilty for thinking that because I don’t want him to be afraid of me… I just want to do it right
Courtney I could have written this word for word You are not alone There are days when I feel like my son is daring me to lose my temper just to see what happens. I want to be the calm, patient mother I imagined, but when you’re tested all day long, it’s hard I think the guilt we feel says a lot about our intentions: we want to do better. It doesn’t mean we have to be perfect every second Honestly, I started doing 3 minute resets (just stepping away, breathing, crying, whatever) and it doesn’t fix everything, but sometimes it prevents things from getting worse. Don’t beat yourself up for struggling; it’s proof that you care
Same. Just… No advice Just nod to every word you say
I’ve totally been there I’m a stay at home mom to a 3.5 year old, and it’s been the most exhausting, confusing, and beautiful journey of my life But yeah, when he stares at me and crosses boundaries right in front of me? Phew! I started learning something called connection before correction It’s annoying in the moment because it’s the last thing I want to do when I’m angry, but I get down on her level and say something like Wow! You’re having a hard time listening right now, huh? And then I wait It usually softens us both I also use a calm down space in the corner with pillows and books, not as a punishment, but as a reset zone for both of us. It doesn’t mean I don’t make mistakes (I do, a lot), but over time she’s reacted better It’s definitely a long-term game, not a quick fix, but it has helped our relationship feel less combative
I’m so sorry about this post My daughter is also 3, and lately it’s like every day is a little power struggle I say no, she smiles and climbs up on the table. I say “gentle hands,” she pinches me like it’s a game I try to redirect and validate feelings, but… is there a manual for persistent toddlers? 
I know people say it’s a phase, but how long does it last? I’m curious: Do you feel like your son becomes more defiant when he’s tired, or does he just spend the whole day with you too?
Well, this might sound very structured, but it worked for me. I started using something called first then language. Like, First we clean up, then we go outside It helps with transitions, which were at the center of our meltdowns Also, giving choices within certain limits has been a huge help. Like, Do you want to brush your teeth before or after pajamas? I’m still working toward the same goal, but they feel in control Another thing that changed things at home: I stopped giving him so many warnings I would just get down to his level and follow along calmly but consistently I think the predictability helped him feel more secure We had a few rough weeks, but the power struggles decreased a lot You’re not failing; You’re learning something totally new and intense, and you’re pushing yourself to the limit Keep going! 