I feel sad because I don't know if I'm raising my child well 😞 I don't know how to discipline them without feeling like a bad mother

[Stacy]

My 3 year old is at that stage where everything is a battle, brushing teeth, putting on clothes, saying no to snacks, you name it. I want to set limits, but I freeze up or give in because I hate the thought of being mean. And when I do lose my patience and yell, I feel like the worst mom in the world.
I want them to grow up feeling safe and loved, but also to respect boundaries… and I’m constantly second, guessing myself. Like, am I raising someone who’s going to feel small and scared when I lose it? Or someone who feels like the boss of the house because I back off too often?
I just feel lost. It’s so hard knowing what the right thing is and not having anyone to say, “You’re doing okay.”

[Luna]

Ugh, I could’ve written this myself. I’m constantly in that guilt loop. Like one second I’m trying to be calm and reasonable, and the next I’m snapping because i said so!” and then I’m crying in the bathroom 10 minutes later.
My daughter is 3 too and she’s so strong, willed. I want her to keep that strength, but also listen to me when I ask her not to stand on the table lol. And honestly… sometimes I don’t even know what my rules are. Like, do I really care about shoes on in the house, or am I just reacting because I’m tired?
I’ve started wondering how much of my struggle is about me, my own upbringing, how I was disciplined, and what I thought being good meant. It’s such a weird thing, trying to parent while you’re still sorting yourself out.
Do you ever feel like your tone is too harsh and then over-correct and get too soft? I go back and forth so much it’s dizzying. I wish there was a You’re doing okay button that popped up after a hard moment. Or maybe just a clone of me who could tag me out during tantrums
What do you usually do after a yelling moment? Do you try to talk about it or just move on?

[Emily1]

I assure you, if you put this much thought into how you’re raising your child, you’re already doing better than you think.
When my daughter was 3, I would lie awake wondering if I was breaking her heart or raising a child without boundaries. It seemed impossible to distinguish between the two. But now that she’s 6, I’ve seen something beautiful: children remember how you made them feel, even more than specific moments.
Yes, I’ve yelled. Yes, I’ve made mistakes. But I’ve also said I was wrong and told them, “I love you even when we’re upset. We’ll try again tomorrow.” And they remember that.
Something that helped me a lot was journaling after difficult days. Not just the failures, but also the small triumphs. “I stayed calm when I got yelled at for the wrong cup.” “I gave them a hug even though I was tired.” Over time, I could see the good things piling up.
The goal isn’t perfect parenting. It’s connection. And trust me, your child is learning that from you. Just being here and opening up like that is a sign of a brave and loving mother. Keep going. You’re doing more good than you know

[Denise]

Something that helped me so much was learning about emotion coaching. There’s a psychologist named John Gottman who talks about it and it basically changed how I parent my toddler. It’s all about naming the feelings they’re having and helping them move through it, instead of just reacting to the behavior.
So instead of yelling stop it! when my 3yo is throwing toys, I try to take a deep breath sometimes I have to fake it lol and say, You’re really mad right now. It’s okay to be mad, but it’s not okay to throw. Then I offer something they can do: You can stomp your feet or squeeze this pillow.
It felt super awkward at first and like I was talking to myself, but eventually they started repeating the words back and it made tantrums slightly less wild. Not perfect, but better.
Also, yelling happens. You’re human. What matters is the repair. Even now, I’ll say to my kid, Mommy yelled and I wish I hadn’t. That must’ve felt scary. I’m really sorry. It’s powerful. You’re not damaging them just because you lost your temper once in a while. The repair teaches them more than the mistake ever could.
You care. You’re here asking questions and being vulnerable. That is what a good mom looks like.

[Luna]

Wow, your post really hit home for me. I have a 3.5 year old and I’m constantly in that tug, of, war between being firm and being kind. I also struggle with the guilt after yelling, like I just undid everything good I’ve built with them in one moment. And then I spiral, wondering if I’ve messed them up. You’re definitely not alone in this, even though it feels so lonely sometimes.
What helps me sometimes not always is thinking of limit, setting as a form of love too. That kids need us to hold the boundaries even if they get mad, and it’s okay if they’re mad. But I still mess it up a lot. One thing I’ve started doing is apologizing after I yell and explaining that I was frustrated but it wasn’t okay. It doesn’t erase it, but it models that I’m human and that it’s okay to make things right.
You sound like you’re trying so hard, and honestly, that means so much more than perfection ever could.

[Carrie1]

Hey Mom, I’ve been there. My son is now 6, and I still have days when I feel like I’m guessing. I struggled with being yelled at when he was little. What really helped me turn things around was learning about positive discipline, not with buzzwords, but with real, practical strategies.
One of the best tools I learned was the idea that young children need boundaries, but they don’t need punishment. They need connection. So, when I started to feel the yelling escalating, I would try to get down to their level, put a hand on their shoulder, and say something like, You’re really upset, but I can’t let you hit me. I’m here to help you. That small moment of connection sometimes helped me control myself enough to stay calm.
Also, I started preparing my kids before transitions: In 5 minutes, we’ll turn off the TV and brush our teeth. I know it’s hard, but I support you. It seems so simple, but letting them know and then following along calmly made a huge difference.
And most importantly: I forgave myself. I started saying out loud, I had a rough time. I’m learning, too. Because we learn. Every day. You’re not a bad mom. You’re a caring mom. That’s powerful