My 4 year old came home from daycare today really sad. He told me his little friend said he didn’t want to be his friend anymore. You could see on his face that it really hurt him. I didn’t know what to say. I tried to comfort him and told him that sometimes kids say things without thinking, that maybe tomorrow everything will be fine. But he was still so dejected. It broke my heart to see him like that.
I want to help him through this without minimizing his feelings, but I also don’t want him to get stuck in this sadness. How do I explain to him that friendships change without making it hurt so much?
Seeing our little ones suffer like this is the worst. 
I don’t give them advice, I just send them hugs because I know that feeling too
Oh, this happened to my daughter last week! She came home crying because her best friend from preschool told her she didn’t want to play with her anymore. She kept saying, “But she’s my best friend!” over and over again, and it devastated me. I didn’t know what to say either.
I told her that sometimes people have moody days and say things they don’t mean, and sure enough, the next day they were inseparable again. But I also tried to explain that friends come and go, and that’s okay too. I think at this age, they don’t really understand the permanence of things, so their friendships can feel all or nothing. It’s really hard to watch them suffer
My son is also 4, and friendships at this age seem very intense, but also very unpredictable. One day they’re best friends, the next they don’t want to play anymore, and two hours later they’re running around together as if nothing ever happened. Do you think this is something they truly remember long, term? Or do we just feel it more than they do?
I completely understand wanting to help without making things worse. One thing that has helped us at home is using a friendship toolbox approach. We talk about how friends come and go, and that’s normal, but that he has tools to handle it.
We practice things like:
Giving Space: Sometimes a friend needs a break, and that’s okay.
Making New Friends: We talk about how there are always other kids to play with.
Using Kind Words: Even if we’re upset, we don’t have to respond.
We also do little role-plays where I pretend to be a friend who says something hurtful, and they practice what they might say or do in response. They love acting out, and it seems to help them feel more prepared! Maybe something like this could help your son feel a little more in control of the situation?
This is so hard. It’s so painful to watch them experience their first heartbreaks, and it’s tempting to want everything to get better. But I think one of the most powerful things we can do is simply walk with them in their feelings and validate them.
Instead of jumping straight to, Maybe tomorrow will be okay, I’ve found it helps to say something like, That must have felt really sad. I can understand why that hurt you. It lets them know their feelings are okay. And then, once they feel heard, we can guide them toward problem, solving: What do you think you want to do tomorrow? or Who else do you like to play with?
It won’t take away their sadness, but it will help them build resilience. And honestly, kids move on so quickly that there’s a good chance they’ll have a new best friend next week. 
Oh, Mom, it happens to me so much. My son went through something similar last year, and it completely devastated me. I wanted so badly to fix it, but I realized that part of growing up is learning that people’s words and actions aren’t always within our control. It’s a tough lesson, even for adults.
Something that helped us a lot was reading books about friendship and feelings. The Invisible Boy and Stick and Stone were great ways to talk about how friendships change. We also started talking about strong feelings and how they come and go. I would say things like, “Right now you feel sad, but sadness doesn’t last forever.”
You’re doing the right thing by being there for him and helping him work through it. He’s learning that it’s okay to feel sad and that he has a safe space to express it. That’s the most important thing. 