They say my son is bullying a classmate because he can’t say vowels well. I don’t know what to do. I never thought he could be like that. At home, he’s a loving child, but it seems like at school he’s a different story. I don’t want him to hurt other children, but I also don’t want to label him as a bad child. He’s only four years old. How do I explain to him that this is wrong without making him feel that it’s terrible? I feel like this is bigger than I thought
Ugh, I hear you. It’s so tough when we feel like we don’t know our own kid in certain settings. Sending hugs
Wow, this hit home for me. My daughter was the sweetest little thing at home, but at daycare, she was a completely different kid. She would push, grab toys, and even scream at other kids. I felt like I was failing. What helped me was realizing that this wasn’t a reflection of me or my parenting. They’re still learning social skills and boundaries. We worked on empathy at home by reading books about kindness and role-playing different situations. It wasn’t an overnight fix, but it helped. Hang in there, mama
First of all, I get it. I went through something similar with my son. He was picking on another kid, and I felt like the worst parent ever. But here’s what helped us:
Talk, but don’t shame – Instead of saying That’s bad, I asked him, How do you think your friend felt when you said that? This made him think about the other child’s emotions instead of just hearing Don’t do that.
Model empathy – We started making a habit of pointing out kindness in everyday life. Wow, that was really nice of that person to hold the door for us!
Practice social skills at home – We role-played different scenarios where he could choose kind words instead of teasing.
Check in with the teachers – I asked his teacher what the classroom environment was like. Turns out, other kids were teasing too, and he was just joining in. Once the teachers addressed it as a group, things got better.
You’re doing the right thing by being concerned and wanting to help. He’s still learning, and you’re there to guide him. 
My son went through a phase where he would tease his classmates too. It crushed me because, like your little one, he was so sweet at home. What worked for us was focusing on understanding why he was doing it. Was he trying to be funny? Was he copying others? Was he trying to fit in? Once we figured that out, we were able to redirect that behavior. I also started praising him every time he did something kind, no matter how small. I’d say things like, That was so kind of you to let your friend go first! It reinforced the good behavior without making him feel like a bad kid. You got this, mama.
My oldest is 6 now, but I remember when she was 4, she went through a similar phase. The biggest thing I learned is that at this age, they don’t really understand the impact of their words yet. They’re experimenting with social dynamics, and sometimes that means making mistakes. What helped was keeping conversations simple and action-based: If someone made fun of you, how would that feel? or If we see someone struggling, what can we do to help? Also, involving the daycare teachers helped a lot. They started doing more group activities about kindness, and it made a difference. Now, at 6, she’s one of the kindest kids I know. This is just a small phase in a much bigger journey
Something that might help is using books and stories to teach empathy. Kids this age relate to characters more than lectures. There’s a book called Be Kind by Pat Zietlow Miller that worked wonders for us. After reading, I asked my son questions like, “What would you do if you saw someone being teased?” and “How do you think the character felt?” Also, a great phrase we use in our house is, “We lift people up, not bring them down.” I repeat it whenever I see a chance to reinforce kindness. It takes time, but they start to get it
I’m going through something kinda similar, but in my case, my son is the one being teased. It’s so hard to know what to do. Should I tell him to ignore it? Should I talk to the teacher more? I want him to stand up for himself, but I also don’t want to make a huge deal out of it. How do you all handle this stuff?