My 9-year-old has been pushing back on almost everything lately, bedtime, chores, even simple rules like holding hands when we cross the street. I know kids his age are trying to assert themselves, but sometimes it feels like outright defiance. Part of me wants to let him figure things out, but I also need him to understand that rules exist for a reason. It’s hard to know when to stand firm and when to let go. Am I doing too much, or not enough?
Wow, Angela, this hits so close to home. My oldest went through a very similar phase around the same age. It was like one day he went from being my sweet little helper to questioning literally everything. I remember the bedtime battles and the constant “but why do I have to?” arguments about chores. It was exhausting.
What helped us was setting clear boundaries and sticking to them. For example, we made a rule that bedtime was non-negotiable, but he could choose between two options, reading quietly in bed or listening to an audiobook. For other things, like chores, we started letting him have a say in the schedule. That little bit of control seemed to reduce the pushback. It’s definitely not a perfect system, and there are still moments of frustration, but it feels like a balance between letting him have independence and reminding him of the importance of rules. You’re not alone in this, it’s a tough age, but it’s also an exciting time to see them grow.
Haha, I feel like this age is just a preview of what’s coming in the teen years! My kid once tried to negotiate his bedtime with a PowerPoint presentation. No joke, he used slides and everything. I had to give him credit for creativity, but bedtime still stayed the same. 
I think they’re just testing the waters to see what they can get away with. Stay strong, mom!
You’re doing your best. This age is so tricky, half kid, half mini-adult with strong opinions. Hang in there!
Wow, Angela, this hits so close to home. My oldest went through a very similar phase around the same age. It was like one day he went from being my sweet little helper to questioning literally everything. I remember the bedtime battles and the constant “but why do I have to?” arguments about chores. It was exhausting.
What helped us was setting clear boundaries and sticking to them. For example, we made a rule that bedtime was non-negotiable, but he could choose between two options, reading quietly in bed or listening to an audiobook. For other things, like chores, we started letting him have a say in the schedule. That little bit of control seemed to reduce the pushback. It’s definitely not a perfect system, and there are still moments of frustration, but it feels like a balance between letting him have independence and reminding him of the importance of rules. You’re not alone in this, it’s a tough age, but it’s also an exciting time to see them grow.
I totally get what you’re going through. My daughter went through a phase where she questioned every single rule. It’s like they’re trying to figure out how far they can push while still feeling safe. It’s exhausting for us, though. Some days, I just had to remind myself that it’s part of growing up and not take it personally.
I feel like I’m in the same boat! My 8 year old recently told me he’s “too old” for bedtime, but then he’s a mess the next day when he’s overtired. I don’t want to micromanage every part of his life, but I also need him to see the bigger picture. How do you find that balance between giving them freedom and making sure they don’t totally derail themselves?
This is such a common struggle, Angela. Kids around this age are building their sense of autonomy and trying to understand the “why” behind rules, which can come off as defiance. Something that worked well for us was creating a family meeting time where we went over the house rules and allowed our son to suggest changes. For example, he didn’t want to hold hands crossing the street anymore, so we agreed he could walk ahead but had to stop at every curb.
We also used natural consequences to reinforce the importance of rules. For instance, if he stayed up late reading and was tired the next day, we talked about how his choices affected his energy. It’s about letting them experience independence while keeping the structure they need to feel secure.
Having raised three kids, I can tell you that this phase is completely normal and a sign that he’s growing. My middle child was the most independent at this age and would argue about everything from bedtime to wearing a coat in winter. My advice? Choose your battles wisely. Some rules, like safety ones, should be non-negotiable, but for others, give him some control.
When it came to chores, we made a deal that if he did them without arguing, he got extra screen time or a chance to pick the family movie. For bedtime, we shifted the conversation to how he felt the next day, if he was tired and cranky, we reminded him why sleep was important. By the time he was 10, the constant pushback lessened because he started seeing the logic behind the rules. It’s a process, but you’re laying the groundwork for him to be a responsible teen.
I’ve found that giving my kids choices within limits helps a lot. For example, if bedtime is at 8:30, I let them pick whether they want to spend the last 30 minutes reading or talking about their day. It makes them feel like they have a say without compromising the rule itself. Maybe try giving him some control in other areas, too, like letting him choose his chores for the week. Little things like that can make a big difference!
You’re navigating such an important phase for him! It might feel hard now, but these moments are setting the stage for his future independence and responsibility.