I ask him to pick up his toys, he leaves them lying around. I tell him to turn off the tablet, he ignores me like I don’t exist. I set limits, but he breaks them, and when I say something, he gets angry and yells at me. I don’t know if I’m being too harsh or too soft. If I let it go, I feel like it’ll just get worse, but I don’t want to spend my whole day yelling either. I just want him to understand that there are rules and that he has to respect them because in life, he won’t always get his way. I’m exhausted and frustrated. I don’t know what the middle ground is
this is my entire life right now. My 5 year old is the same way, selective hearing when I ask him to do anything, but the second I whisper about ice cream, he’s all ears. I totally get the frustration because I feel like I repeat myself a hundred times a day. And the yelling, it makes me feel so guilty afterward, but sometimes I just hit my breaking point. What’s been kind of working for me (on a good day lol) is giving choices: Do you want to pick up your toys now, or after we set a timer for 5 minutes? It doesn’t always work, but sometimes giving them some control makes them less defiant. Still, some days are just a lost cause, and I remind myself that I’m doing the best I can. Hang in there
I’ve been in this exact situation, and what helped me was focusing less on control and more on connection. At this age, kids are testing boundaries, but they’re also seeking independence. Instead of just telling him to pick up his toys, try making it into a game, Let’s see how fast we can clean up! or Can you find all the blue toys first? For the tablet, rather than just saying Turn it off, give a transition warning like, Okay, in 5 minutes, the tablet goes off. Do you want to turn it off yourself or do you want me to help? That way, they don’t feel like they’re being blindsided by sudden rules. And when he yells, try to stay calm so hard, I know and say, I see that you’re really upset. Let’s take a deep breath together. Modeling self, regulation goes a long way. It’s exhausting, but it does get easier with consistency.
I could have written this myself. My kid refuses to listen until I raise my voice, and then I feel horrible because I don’t want to be that parent. But if I don’t, nothing gets done! It’s like he’s immune to my voice at a normal volume. And the arguing?? If I say the sky is blue, he will insist it’s green just to fight. It’s draining. I don’t have any magic solutions, but I’ve been trying to remind myself that he’s not trying to be difficult, his brain is just still learning impulse control and following rules. Sometimes, I literally take a step back and ask myself, Is this battle worth it? If the answer is no, I let it go. If the answer is yes, I follow through with consequences, even if it means dealing with a tantrum. Still, some days, I just want to scream into a pillow. Solidarity, mama
Oh wow, I really feel for you. Five is such a tricky age because they want to be independent, but they also still need so much guidance. It sounds like you’re doing the best you can, and that’s what matters. One thing that helped me was shifting my mindset from How do I make him listen? to How do I teach him to be responsible for his actions? Instead of seeing it as defiance, I started looking at it as him struggling with self, control. And honestly, they do get better with time. Some things that worked for us were using a sticker chart for good listening, giving limited choices, and making sure I was filling his attention bucket in positive ways before expecting him to cooperate. On the worst days, I remind myself that he won’t be 5 forever, and one day, he’ll be able to follow directions without a battle hopefully lol. You’re not alone in this!
This sounds exactly like my kid, especially the ignoring me part. It’s like he’s mastered the art of tuning me out unless I’m offering snacks. Do you feel like it’s just certain tasks he ignores, or is it everything? I’ve noticed my son is way more defiant when he’s tired or overstimulated, but I honestly can’t tell if that’s just an excuse I tell myself or if it’s actually a thing. Do you think your son is acting out more on weekends because his routine is different? I’m trying to figure out if that plays a role with mine too