I’m a mom to a sweet, energetic 4 year old boy. We live in Canada and I love him more than anything in the world. Lately though I’ve been struggling with saying “no” to him. I know how important it is to set limits and I don’t want him to grow up capricious or entitled… but sometimes when he gets upset or cries it just makes me feel so guilty. Like I’m letting him down somehow or being too harsh.
I’m working on reminding myself that boundaries are also a form of love but wow it’s tough. I want him to feel safe and understood but also grow up respectful and emotionally strong.
Does anyone else deal with this too? How do you balance being loving and firm without the guilt?
omg same same same. my kid throws the biggest fits and I cave more than I should ngl. I KNOW it’s not helping him in the long run but when he starts crying like his world is ending… my heart breaks every time. I wish I was stronger about holding my ground. u r not alone!!
Girl I’ve been there. Something that helped me a lot is a phrase I learned from a parenting course: Kind but firm. It sounds simple but practicing it took time. When my daughter would throw a fit because I said no to another snack or more screen time, I’d get down on her level and say something like I know you really want that right now, and I get it. It’s hard to wait. But Mommy said no and that’s final.” And then I’d stay calm. That was key. No yelling, no giving in, just steady energy.
I also started narrating my own limits in daily life. Like I’d say Mommy’s body is tired now so I’m going to rest, you can play here next to me. It modeled boundaries in a gentle way. Don’t beat yourself up tho, our kids push because they trust us. You’re doing amazing by even thinking about all this
This is so real I struggle with this every single day It’s that inner tug of war between wanting to be nurturing and needing to teach them how to handle no And then the guilt hits hard… especially when you’re already tired or stressed I don’t really have a solution but just wanted to say I totally get where you’re coming from Sometimes I cry after bedtime because I feel like I failed either way
Hey Ava. I’ve got a 5yo and I felt exactly how you’re feeling when he was 4. One thing that made a huge difference for us was introducing what we call choice boundaries. Instead of a flat-out no, I’d offer two options I was okay with. Like if he wanted more TV, I’d say “TV is done for today, but you can choose to color or build with blocks before dinner.” It gave him a sense of control but still kept the limit firm.
We also made a feelings chart together (just printed faces from Google and stuck em on the fridge) so when he’d get upset, I’d help him name what he was feeling. That helped me hold my boundaries without feeling like I was shutting down his emotions. The more I showed empathy without changing the rule, the easier it got. Took a while, not gonna lie, but we started seeing fewer meltdowns and more calm OK mom moments. Not perfect, but progress. Hang in there
My daughter is 4 too and I’m going thru the same exact thing rn. It’s like the second I say no to something tiny, she acts like it’s the end of the world and I just… freeze. I always wonder am I being too soft or too strict?? Do you ever find it’s worse after daycare or something? I feel like she holds it together all day and then lets it all out on me lol. Curious if your little one has those after-school meltdowns too?