When I correct her I don’t know what to do I’m worried that this is a sign that she doesn’t respect authority at home Sometimes I feel like when I tell her something she just ignores me or gives me a glare I don’t want to be too harsh but I also don’t want her to think she can do whatever she wants without consequences. Maybe I need to change the way I set boundaries? I don’t know if this is just a phase or something more
Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry about this! My 4 year old does this thing where she stares at me while doing exactly what I told her not to, and it drives me crazy. It’s like a little power struggle every day Not advice, just letting you know you’re not alone
Ahhh, my son is the same. The stares, the attitude, that you’re not the boss of me energy… it’s real It used to frustrate me so much, but then I read somewhere that at this age, it’s all about testing boundaries and discovering independence. I try to stay calm and reframe things instead of just saying no But honestly, some days I end up bribing him with fruit snacks, so who knows if I’m handling it right?
I swear! Is this a 4 year old thing? My daughter started staring at me and just… won’t move when I tell her to do something. It’s like a small protest but completely silent Do you find she does it more when she’s tired or is it just all the time?
Well, I was in your exact situation last year with my daughter, and I’ll tell you what finally worked: options. Instead of saying, Stop doing that, I started giving her options, like, Do you want to put your shoes on now or in two minutes? I still had that bit of control, but within my limits. It helped reduce the defiance considerably. Plus, I started making sure I followed through with the consequences. I used to threaten her with, Okay, no TV! But then she’d give in. Once I kept my word, she took me much more seriously
I read something recently that completely changed the way I respond to defiance: Connection before correction. Basically, children at this age resist because they’re still learning to process strong feelings. Before jumping right into discipline, try getting down on their level and saying, I can see you’re upset because you really wanted to keep playing. It’s hard to stop when you’re having fun. Then, after that connection, you set the limit: But it’s time to clean up. It’s not perfect, but when I do it, my child is much less likely to have a meltdown
I used to think defiance meant my son was disrespectful, but I’ve learned that at this age, it’s more about independence and emotional regulation than trying to be really bad. I started using When, Then statements, and it’s been a huge change. Instead of saying, Stop playing and pick up, I say, When you put your toys away, we can go outside. This makes the expectation very clear and gives them a sense of control.
Also, I had to rein myself in; sometimes I gave too many commands at once or expected instant obedience when she was playing. Now, I give her advance notice like, Five more minutes to play and then we’ll pick up, so she’s not caught off guard. It’s made a huge difference.
Cheer up! 4 is crazy, but they grow out of it. Most of the time. 